I remember,

yesterday I confessed my secrets to the man I will always hold a deep relationship with. Closing myself out from hearing his response seemed cold and I don't think he would repeat himself since I do the same thing to others. I shut myself out, I should stop doing that. This makes me uneasy and often requires a specific person for attention seeking. I desire to grab Nick's attention when I want it. That is why everything is like a roses thorn turned into many needles. I don't get pricked once but many times. This seems like an oddly punishment for someone who is far away from this person and to only hurt themselves more. I want to embrace him, but I can't touch him, breathing the same air as him is enough and seeing him one last time is enough. Is it really enough? Am I telling myself the more pain I cause for myself the easier it will be? I'm not so sure anymore. The more I hurt myself and resist the urge to talk to nick the more I cannot forget about him. I'm with someone and this someone is special. I want to say I would be very useless in an intimate relationship with Nick. I'm lazy but so is a lot of other people. I'm a dependent, I'm spoiled, I really don't know how to live away from others and grow up already and face life head on. I'm always with someone. There are times I wish I could step out into the world and not be afraid. Thus I'm afraid and useless. I'm here to make others smile and be happy. It's enough of a reason to continue living right? As long as the people around me are happy I can be happy too right? If so, why do I not feel satisfied, why do I feel upset, why do I feel depressed. Even now I feel sad and lonely and depressed. I seek Nick in this situation and that is wrong. In the end I'll continue to hurt myself, rip my spirit into peices, I'll continue living like this. Unhappy on the inside and wear a fake skin so that nobody can see me for who I truely am. It's not a harsh and stupid environment, it isn't even a punishment but a restraint. How can I move on if I'm always living in the past, how can I move forward without having these heavy chains that bind me back preventing me from freeing myself. This morning I woke up around noon, that is the latest I have ever slept in. I felt so free, but now the chains are back and reinforced. In the end I chain myself in a room, there are no padlocks, no high level security to unravel these chains. They're just there as a reminder, a reminder yes, a reminder. I'm selfish and greedy, I want more than what I can handle. Right now, I want the one thing I can never have. I'll deprive myself of this fantasy of being with the person I truely desire in my life. I want you Nick, but I can't have you. So as long as you don't forget about me and I wont forget about you that is enough. I'm contradicting myself, my words are meaningless strings easily snipped away. I'm not the smartest person nor the wisest but I have my share of experience. Always I always tell myself I wont blurt out what I really feel about someone becaus eit amkes them awkward. I really want you Nick Quinn, I desire every part of you near me, as I continue typing this desire, this need, a fantasy I can never obtain. God I just love you so much. I'm sorry I closed the video call so early, I heard what you were going to say but that is the punishment I can never hear the last few words I always wish to hear. I'm just hurting myself over and over, but it's okay. I won't let you see me in that room because it is filled with my tears. I cry a lot. It's not something I like to admit, least not to you. I wish you were here to protect me from this thorn at my side. I wish to hold you hand, to hug you, to feel the warmth of your body. I just wish so much things I know will nevre come true. It's becoming very difficult to resist talking with you on skype, it's also difficult to resist not chatting with you. I want to be able to keep a distance apart. I do not want to become the shadow that over looks you every time even though I am not a shadow I certainly feel like one. If someone a high being gave me a choice to pick nick over jeremy, My heart would split into two, so in otherwords I would be left alone in the dark not being with any one.Fits someone like me doesn't it. My original heart goes out to Jeremy but some where deep inside my heart goes out to Nick. I've made many mistakes in my life and I see it if I picked Nick over the man i am with, I would be no different than the selfish women he has come across in his life. I do not want to hurt Jeremy but I guess in the end I'll hurt myself as many times as it takes. It hurts so much I cry deep down. I'm crying as I'm typing. I try not to show it, I hate being weak. I;m selfish and greedy, I'm also a lazy as-s hat. I hate myself. A person like me doesn't deserve to be loved back by someone else. I miss your company Nick. Heh I really am a pathetic person. I can't solve my own problems. I wish to see you, because I know the next time I see you, you will be with someone else and I have no choice but to let you go. I will take that step back but I won't forget you. I'll just go away somewhere to a place quiet and secluded. Don't come and find me because by the time you do I'm already gone. As much as i would like you to find me instead of walking away that would be a request way out of my league. Please find me Nick, even if I said no and leave me alone, please find me and save me. I'm half way there. Ever since this morning our 4 hours talk I was so happy with joy I was about to cry every time, that be weird right. Yeah. Sorry I typed something weird again. I'm sorry, I'm truely sorry someone like me has the privilege to care about you. In a way I save you some years of torment. I'm such a downer xD or what ever the word is.