I remember,

I
was not surprised to be diagnosed with Aspergers. For much of my life I
tiptoed at the edges of society as carefully as if I trod on broken
glass or I let go and danced with abandon alone in the centre of things
hoping others would join in...I could not find the middle ground. This is a photo of me taken at my 21st Birthday Party in Bronte Cemetery by the sea; one
of my favourite places to be...the names upon the tomb-stones were fond
and familiar to me ...the long dead kept me company. They listened
quietly to my poetry, heard my songs and stories and the stillness was
comforting. I felt I belonged...a wonderful feeling when I felt so
other-worldly elsewhere as if I might evaporate into the ether.
I understood dogs and cats and birds and beetles but human beings
remained mystifying, mysterious and beautiful...like the little match
girl in the story composed by Hans Christian Andersen I held up before
my heart illuminations of hope; scenarios of me with friends ,at dinners
,laughing with girl-friends...all imaginary . I was not alone
though...dwelling on the fringes of society are so many ...I did not
seek out the kindness of strangers ; rather I gave kindness to
strangers...it became the way I lived my life. I became the keeper of
other’s grief, the holder of stories, the guardian of broken dreams, the
minder of others memories....For many years I rose in the middle of the
night and made my way to “the Wall” in Darlinghurst to keep company
with prostitutes and homeless children and all the other abandoned
people... and from there I made my way down alley-ways, drifted in dark
corners and swept down stairs to nowhere....I held hands, I held hearts,
I held hopes... I gave love. It was all I had. Nobody knows what I saw,
but it sits inside me still.....sometimes only I was there to see
someone’s last breath ...I learned more about human beings than I cared
to know but they remained mysterious . In my quest for
understanding others I journeyed across the seas to other countries ...
but people remained a puzzle. They entered my life and left it ...and I
longed to follow. But children were always accepting .I
discovered that I had a gift for children with special needs...I could
coax words out of those who had not talked for years...I could coax
calmness into those who were gripped by a frenzy...I could charm a smile
from the subdued...I worked in a special needs long-day care Centers
and pre-schools for most of my adult life until I had my own children.
All the while I wrote and painted...art was my solace. I created a vast
inner landscape I still journey through; sifting and sorting through
the realms of memory...I filed endless assortments of shapes and
shadows , scraps of conversations, snippets of sounds, scenarios , day
dreams , every rainbow I beheld,every bird and beetle , every tree ,all
the peoples I passed, ...all there. My world. Time after time I
would visit the memory of a man with gray-green eyes as he stood by the
lions in Trafalgar Square .When we had smiled in passing a strange
thing happened... a connection was made as if the substance of our souls
was made of strands of silk that unfurled and entangled...when I
returned home the longing remained...a tug upon my heart, keenly felt
for 14 long years until we found each other again by extraordinary
circumstances...my Joe . Eventually “Art” led me here to where
I am now. All because one day nearly 3 years ago my son told a stranger
I was an artist. When that stranger then asked where she might find my
art and my son replied “Under her bed and in the Computer”...the woman
had shaken her head and spoken firmly. “Then your mother is not an
artist !” ...Her words were as solid as bricks but my son broke the wall
she built down. ...My son insisted I was an artist.When we got home he
demanded I open the door and let my art out ! While my art is a
window into my world it is also a door way into yours....at last I have
found the road I can wander . I have met wonderful people on the way
.The spectrum is a never ending rainbow and the rainbow leads to
“anywhere”.....