I remember,

when my mother and I moved to San Diego to start a new life. At first I wasn't too thrilled about making new friends, never wanted to begin with. It was always hard for me to socialize with others. Sometimes I do regret socializing with others now. I wished I never did but then if you don't you're often targeted for bullying. As such event happened during my stay in California. I truly develop the dry bloodthirsty towards one individual during elementary school. She always picked on me, spit balls into my glasses, as if they were basketball hoops. I tried to tell someone but the words never came out. I didn't want them to know I had snitched on them or anything. This is why I am who I am right now... Afraid to tell others how I truly feel, what is on my mind, what I say just doesn't do anything for me now. I truly wished I had mind my own business but the bloodlust started to boil, the more I was bullied the more extremely twisted I had become. I know you're suppose to look to your parent for guidance. At the same time I wanted to hide this thirst for blood, what an idiot I was. I became unstable sometimes, unleashing wrath of anger towards anybody. To my own mother, to my so called friends, to anybody who dared get close to me when I just wanted space, I just wanted freedom like everyone else. I wanted peace within my world but alas I can't seem to get that feeling of free, being free, soaring the same skies without limitations. Cruel world. What makes it more cruel is I set my mind to view the whole universe in that sense. I am the cause of my depression, I know enough I put myself through all this torment, sadness, hatred, instead of working it out and letting go. I keep it all in my mind. I watch deep within myself as all these negative emotions eat me away till I was left with NOTHING. The one thing I still don't regret is the fact during elementary school period I almost killed someone. His older brother was bullying me relentless at the time. So why harm him when I could harm the being who he cherishes. His family, but I'm really lucky a kid was with me telling me to let him go and calm down. I did let him go and he ran off. I ran too, back home. Locked myself in my room, I never wanted to go back to school because I knew I had ALMOST killed somebody. Tomorrow came by quick and someone was called to the principal's office. No it wasn't me, it was a boy who also wore glasses, he was a transfer just like me from a different country though. Do I feel bad for him? Yes, I do. I was scared at the time, I didn't want my mom to freak out on me, I didn't want others t see me as a murderer. I think in that moment I would have mention the boy who picked on me, how he didn't stop, I would have spilled the beans then. Do I reflect on my attempt of murder? I don't know, sometimes I do have the urge to kill someone close to me. Sometimes I really wished I had died the next day, shows me how karma comes back ten folds. I really wished I never talked to anybody when I moved there, I really wished I was as alone as I was then. I'm still depressed and will always carry this memory with me. Everyday it plays in my mind like a broken record. At night only when I'm about to sleep when the memories I have with me, the ones I want gone that never truly leaves my side. Sometimes I wonder what he is doing, the kid I almost choked the living daylights out of. or what his brother is doing. What the kid who was called in instead of me, what is he doing? Should I confess, I don't want to. When I perish away I know I'm not going to heaven. I can't atone for my sins. Truth is I don't know how to a tone for my attempted murder sin and I'm sure i have other events in my life I am not too happy about. I wished I could stand up for myself. I wish I wasn't scared, I wish I never interacted with others, I wished for a lot of things but wishes don't come true unless you make them come true. Sometimes I wish I was just a nobody, buried myself in books, studied, maybe my mom made a mistake in taking me with her to the USA. I might be better off living with my dad, but his wife at the time(could still be now too) is not right... I don't even talk to my half siblings. I'm truly an awful person.