I remember,

how I became this way after 25 year of living... Unlike others who are able to share their opinions, ideas, thoughts, express how they feel when they need someone to just listen to what they have to say, I realized I never tried to let someone know how I really felt when I am down, alone, or even scared. Afraid of being abandoned and thrown away, afraid of being left out, afraid of being judged right on the spot after whom you choose to listen to your deep thoughts. I didn't like any of those negative aspects. I really wanted someone to just sit down with me and listen to what I have to say, what I have kept inside for many years, just want my own voice to be heard and not recieve looks of displease ment I'm very envious of those who can openly express themselves and not give a care in the world at what others think of them. Truely am I afraid of the little things that occur upon an average human beings daily life style. Today, I make a change. Starting right now I will express my thoughts, but only the thoughts I have kept with me for a very long time. This is how it starts of and this may be how it ends... In the beginning it started off with one, quickly did it split into two people, and then the final count of three similar but very different people. The first person was shy and artistic, second person was artistic but open and didn't care what the world thinks, finally the third was a gamer but quiet, he too seem like he was hiding things away from us. It started off as friendships, our circle was made. I was very happy with just having these two in my life, I was happy having to meet with them. But, sometimes these happy feelings can get twisted ever so quickly even with out you realizing what has manifested in the dark. I didn't noticed till the last miniute another circle has been made inside our own circle. It was faint but you could see it. Without saying anything I knew what it was, a line that divides you from the otherside, another side you can't cross unless told to. I felt alone... I felt like a 5 year old child, I wanted to be in there. I wanted soemone to pay attention to me too. I didn't want to be left in the dark. During those few months I had made a decision to leave our circle, gradually they won't notice if I'm gone. They have each other, and as a friend who I would rather cherish our friendship than be broken, I left them. Often wonder what if I stayed, what would happen? Would we sill be friends? Will they not leave me alone i the dark? Will they notice me? Pondering on something like that for years isn't healthy. I got use to letting go of the times I have cherished for so long. It was like a natural ability for me to let my memories fade away, I was sure they wouldn't come back even if someone tried to bring them back they wouldn't return. Back to the story, I was invited to their place, the second person moved away to a different naval base, I was there but least I wasn't alone. Being used as a foot pedistal wasn't my idea of given attention. But i didn't want to be alone anymore. So I took it, I'll be a foot pedistal for you guys and in return let me stay with you. I truely was a naive brat, afraid of the dark. I loved them both and even if the second person doesn't recognize me as a friend anymore to me she is still a friend in my heart. After many years, months, thousands of days have passed the news struck me like a hot lightning spark. It had hit me so hard I started writing things down in my head, happy endings really aren't happy at all. Somewhere deep down I was a little happy that they went their seperate ways. I heard the third person attending my school, I searched for him relentlessly till it had occurred to me maybe it was a rumor. The feelings of the word "rumor" really hurts, I wanted to cry because I couldn't find him. Again left in the dark, utter pitch darkness, a sea so black and dark even if you had a lantern with you, you could not see the road you were walking on. At the time I could visit his home and see if he was still in Point Loma but I had forgotten about forgetting specific memories, No longer could I locate his where abouts. Consequences of letting go is you can't ever have them returned. I gre depressed again. I was already depressed when second person moved away to a different naval base. As much as I cared for them both, I always had a thread leading to him, I denied seeing that thread. I would always ignore it, that thread became a line, a red line, and over time it got larger. My entire life consist of red lines, red the color so intimidating, you don't dare cross it. Afraid what is on the other side. Always stayed in front of the line. But our line not onlmy strecthed but it widen far. Even if I found him the line would be a wall, it was telling me you can't even go here, just turn around. Quickly did I realize that red line was really all the stuff I couldn't let others know, I couldn't let him know. Sometimes I often wonder if I had the chance to sit down and talk to him about it, would the line get smaller? Would it thin down? It will be there but will it condense itself? Should I type what has been bugging me all these years? It helps truely does but, will it help me? Am I just as pathetic as I believe to be... What would he say or recognize if I told him the days I was a foot stool for them I really didn't like it, I didn't like being treated that way, I didn't like being left out, that I just wanted to cause trouble because I want the attention. I just wanted him to know I liked him too. I just want him to know after all these years my own actions have stabbed me multiple times, I wanted him to know I regret a lot of things. "You're too nice." I am too nice and that is what the open hole in my heart is. The ones who can't win and give up should stay buried in the dried crunbling soil forever. Even revived they should just die with those regrets, the fresh daily wounds recieved by their train of thoughts. They shouldj ust rot away. Just like me, I'll rot away and be just a memory to others. Maybe I have decided I won't tell him how I truely am, and that smile is just a mask to cover up my real face. The face that cries out a lot. It's pretty shameful to display such a face to someone, it's pitaful and annoying. I often wish that when I die I wish to fade from peoples memories. I am nothing more than a distant memory soon to be forgotten. I had never existed and slowly forgotten. I would rather run and dissappear than face my fears head on. I am forever a coward and will die as one. I'll die with this pain in my chest, I'll die with these scars on my body, I'll die while I'm bleeding out from the pain. So... even after thinking this why do I still carry feelings for him, Even all that he has gone through why do I still carry these lingering feelings that sometimes manifest into a blob of pink fluffy wool. Deep in the dark ocean waters, I'm crying because I know I still like him, I know I can't touch him even if I was alone, I can't go near him. For I am afraid if I was still single I would remind him of her. Since our personalities are the same, but we are differnt people who happens to share the same trends. I was afraid I would hurt him. I don't want to hurt others. When I do, it hurts me. I just want to yell it out to you I like you still and I hope you find someone who loves you and cherishes you more than anyone you have met. I really wish for your happiness to be great and wonderful. But even so I still like you, one last request from an old firend... May I still hold on to these feelings for you, but you can't hold on to yours. When you find someone who you truely care for and love. You know the answer, let me go. Then maybe I won't have to worry about you anymore and I will have the courage to let you go too. But for now, am I allowed to have these feelings for you after so long? Please say yes, if not that is fine too. Secrets were made from these things. I guess the truth hurts more is because it is a secret. This is the biggest secret I have ever held onto me. I don't think I ever told anybody but I truely hate secrets. Ha ha contradicting myself there. I feel someone better typing all this but I would still prefer someone to sit down with and talk it over.